Where to begin....

Several things heavy on my heart today, yesterday, probably tomorrow too. Weekend was pretty low-key. Left my apartment twice. I have been quite ill with trying to get off of one medication and lower the dosage on another. Chills, sweats, nausea, brain zaps, dizziness, fatigue, the usual. Oh, and depression. I constantly am feeling like I'm making the wrong decisions in life. Go on medicine, go off medicine, quit drinking, start drinking, move out of town, don't move out of town. I have no idea what to do with anything anymore. It's like everything goes into two categories- grown up decisions, not grown up decisions. I am glad that it's back to no one reading this, it helps me to vent my frustrations and not have to worry about who sees it. So let's start with this one- Move to Beebe, don't move to Beebe? I made the decision to move short on the heels of a pretty traumatic experience with a friend. Now, it feels more like a cop-out than a solution to anything. Why should I not have to pay rent for however long a period of time? That's not how grown ups live. I could go on about this one for a while. On to more earth shattering topics. Saturday night/Sunday morning I had a nightmare. This is common with the medication I take, but you know those really real dreams that when you wake up you think it's all real. I had a dream that my Sister had died. Now I know a lot of people might say 'Yea, that's horrible, I had one like that too'....no you didn't, not like this. It was one of those dreams that make you realize just how important someone is in your life. Makes you understand that some things that you think are important, really aren't at all. Because one thing, can send your life in a completely different direction or foil any plans that you had for yourself. This dream lasted for two weeks (in the dream). From death to two weeks after. I couldn't stop crying in my dream, or apparently in real life, because of the soaked pillow. I broke. A lot of people would already consider me not right. Which is true to an extent. But that broke me. I saw what I would be like (in my current state) if that happened. I think most people know how it feels to lose someone you love. I think a lot of people don't and will never know how it feels to lose someone that you are on the outs with. I do, and I won't ever forget how guilty I felt nearly 10 years ago, or how I still do. Life is so short. Death can be to a life, like what a tornado can be to a home. I tried to call my Sister twice yesterday just to hear her voice. I understand from facebook that our father's two young sons are here with her apparently. I'm sure that had something to do with it. While the chemicals in my mind scramble to gain some sort of control over my emotions, fears and structure, I have nothing but anger, hatred, and disgust toward myself. I don't think it would come as much of a shock to anyone to know that I don't have much respect for my father. Whenever we have the joy of speaking to each other, he informs me that I blame everyone for my problems (which might as well be him looking in a mirror), 30 felony charges and no ones fault, he was "framed"....right. Anyways, I don't know where he gets this "You blame everyone" deal. I don't blame him for anything. Drunkenly, which is the only time we talk (he won't speak to me sober, I don't think he has the gumption), I might give that impression, but I don't blame he. I just can't have him around me. I have enough problems in my life without him blowing into town with a bag of coke and hooker money. I can't really describe how he makes me feel or put it into words. When we talk, the next day are filled with text messages about "you need Jesus", "You are evil", "You need to be institutionalized". Do you know what that makes me want to do? It makes me want to put a shotgun in my mouth. I recently told him (drunkenly) that I wanted to kill him. Which if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to kill him, I won't cry when he dies, but I don't want to kill him. Interaction with him, makes me want to kill myself. Over the past 20 years, anytime him and I have had a problem, it's "your mother told you to say that" or something of that nature. I have no brain or intelligence when it comes to him. Neither do you, neither do your friends, if you disagree with him. Maybe I do blame him, because I can. I needed a father growing up. Not having one, would've been better than this loser who blows through town and tells you that he's about to be rich and everyone's dreams are about to come true. Do you know what that does to a kid. And then knowing that it will never happen, but still hearing it. It's a mind fuck, and that's what he likes best; fucking with your head. Because god knows his head is fucked enough. *deep breath. Ok. Empty promises do a lot more to kids than not deliver. They drain kids. It affects their trust for life. And like my Mother always said "Oliver will give anyone a second chance". I've always wanted to prove her wrong. Like it's a bad thing. Man, I don't know why it's like that. I always want to believe people and forgive them. But on the other side I want to denounce them and strip them of their title as friend, family, etc. Here's what I've come to know about my relationship with my father; I will never have a relationship with him, because he's incapable of thinking of anyone other than himself. And I'm sure a lot of that comes from years of drug use and general wear and tear on his desperate soul. I forgive him. But I can't have him. I never could. I never could but I always, always wanted it, and that's where most of my hurt from him comes from. I can't have a Father. For me there's a lot of peace in saying that. Admitting that that's just not something that was in the cards for me. I have the best Mother money can buy. I have phenomenal friends, I have a good enough apartment and job that hasn't made me (all the way) crazy yet. It truly is time for me to count my blessings and "sack up" in the grown up department, in that respect. My Sister wants to have a relationship with him, so she can have a relationship with the two children my father has had with his girlfriend (btw I think they still live with her mom. I'm sure there's someone to blame for that too). But I hope that her and I can have the relationship that we've had. For being born two years apart, we more like twins than those stupid "real" twins.

Hopefully this week, the horrible medication I've been taking flushes out, everyone has some sort of cosmic miracle in their life (mine is that Tuesday is supposed to be like 76 degrees), and we remember the ones we love, and how much we would miss their beautiful faces if they were gone.