Please identify yourself.

It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I might be thinking about death at any given moment. It's what I do. And I'm good at it. When I was a kid, the thoughts of death were scary. When I was a teenager they were all consuming, stressful thoughts about the fact that I would die someday. Now, I wonder. I wonder about what, if anything, happens when you die. Who I will have been by the time I die. There are a list of things that I want to be able to be said about me. I'm sure my list isn't much different from anyone else's list that may have given this thought. I hope there isn't discord in my family when I die. I would hate to believe that the cosmic powers that be, killed me in order to teach others a lesson. Or maybe it's just that when you die there are always lessons for others to learn.

Maybe the following is spot on. Or maybe it's just an indication of how not self aware and delusional I am.

I want for the people in my life to know how much I loved them. How I would do anything for them. How I didn't take for granted the relationship that I was blessed to have with them. I want to leave this place a faithful man. That the person I give myself to knows that I would have walked in front of a bus to save their foot.

I know I'm weird. I'm sorry. There's nothing I could do about that. I was born telling vagina jokes so I assume if there's a god, it had something to do with my sense of humor.

If the people in your life know that they can count on you and trust you. And you them, there's not a lot else to do. This task has proven difficult for a lot of people. It is easier said than done. Or maybe it's not. Maybe we just don't give much of a shoot anymore.

I don't want to crack under pressure. My life has been riddled with hard times. I want to protect the emotions of those around me. The fact is, unless you're dead, there are hard times ahead. That's just the way it works. If you find yourself without a care in the world, cherish that moment.

There's never a better time, a better place to make things good with your family, friends, etc.

I can tell you for a fact that things left unsaid hurt way more than getting some sort of closure. So make sure you say everything you need to say to everyone you need to tell.

This blog pretty much got away from me. I'm not sure what all this means. It's a mixture of not feeling good and having too much on my mind.

Love.

Alone but not loney

Hello.

Today is Thursday. Today I got my license back. Feels like a bear mauling my face just stopped. Good.

Lately I've found myself alone. I suppose, or hope, it's friends being busy, etc. I can't think of anything bad that I've done to anyone. And normally I know when I've fucked up. It hasn't been bad though. I feel like most of us are going through some big changes in life. I won't pressure anyone to hangout or get dinner or things like that. Mostly the fact that I have friends is such a mystery and a blessing that I dare not press issues such as this. I'm sure they're probably thinking "well he never calls, so he must be busy or not want to hangout" too. Ahhh the life of loners. I don't think I'll ever get used to having friends and trying to protect that.

Anyways, this weekend is so needed that I could cry. Some weeks are just more emotionally draining than others, as a whole. I miss my Grandmother. Thankfully I'll get to see her Saturday morning.

OKAY WIDE WORLD. I'm out.

Oh bother...

Well hello, you silent audience of heartbeats and whispered breathing.

Summer - 2012 - hot as...TITS!

This is a season of change. I feel like Summer and Winter lay the paths down for the seasons that are, for me, the ones that are lived for. Fall and Spring. Those times when everything feels perfect. Temperature, color, attitude, the smell in the wind. There is so much to look forward to. Halloween is right around the corner (a class favorite). Even though most of the time it feels like our seasons are mixing together and losing the distinctions that made them so great to begin with, I still long for those perfect moments. The ones where nothing is really different, except a wave of perspective comes crashing on to you from the open window in the living room. The wind brings so much spirit into the homes it is invited into. Every season has its time, its reason, and its own face.

I guess I've been working a lot. Not just at my job, but a lot of things feel like work right now. Inner peace, for one. I need some solid time to meditate and pray.

I keep fallen in damn stupid love. Since I've written here last I have experienced a slew of let downs, mostly from myself. However, it seems everywhere you go, you got there for a reason, and right now, I've got some good, good stuff going on in my (love) life.

The important thing is to take it slow, right? If all life is is one session of love making, I don't want to rush it.

Anyways...gosh...so much has been going on, but when I stop to think about it, I can't seem to get my brain to function enough.

Just got over strep throat (total bitch). Getting a cat...Rosie needs a friend for the daytime. And I hear this is one sweet pussy. So maybe I'll like her too.

Where to begin....

Several things heavy on my heart today, yesterday, probably tomorrow too. Weekend was pretty low-key. Left my apartment twice. I have been quite ill with trying to get off of one medication and lower the dosage on another. Chills, sweats, nausea, brain zaps, dizziness, fatigue, the usual. Oh, and depression. I constantly am feeling like I'm making the wrong decisions in life. Go on medicine, go off medicine, quit drinking, start drinking, move out of town, don't move out of town. I have no idea what to do with anything anymore. It's like everything goes into two categories- grown up decisions, not grown up decisions. I am glad that it's back to no one reading this, it helps me to vent my frustrations and not have to worry about who sees it. So let's start with this one- Move to Beebe, don't move to Beebe? I made the decision to move short on the heels of a pretty traumatic experience with a friend. Now, it feels more like a cop-out than a solution to anything. Why should I not have to pay rent for however long a period of time? That's not how grown ups live. I could go on about this one for a while. On to more earth shattering topics. Saturday night/Sunday morning I had a nightmare. This is common with the medication I take, but you know those really real dreams that when you wake up you think it's all real. I had a dream that my Sister had died. Now I know a lot of people might say 'Yea, that's horrible, I had one like that too'....no you didn't, not like this. It was one of those dreams that make you realize just how important someone is in your life. Makes you understand that some things that you think are important, really aren't at all. Because one thing, can send your life in a completely different direction or foil any plans that you had for yourself. This dream lasted for two weeks (in the dream). From death to two weeks after. I couldn't stop crying in my dream, or apparently in real life, because of the soaked pillow. I broke. A lot of people would already consider me not right. Which is true to an extent. But that broke me. I saw what I would be like (in my current state) if that happened. I think most people know how it feels to lose someone you love. I think a lot of people don't and will never know how it feels to lose someone that you are on the outs with. I do, and I won't ever forget how guilty I felt nearly 10 years ago, or how I still do. Life is so short. Death can be to a life, like what a tornado can be to a home. I tried to call my Sister twice yesterday just to hear her voice. I understand from facebook that our father's two young sons are here with her apparently. I'm sure that had something to do with it. While the chemicals in my mind scramble to gain some sort of control over my emotions, fears and structure, I have nothing but anger, hatred, and disgust toward myself. I don't think it would come as much of a shock to anyone to know that I don't have much respect for my father. Whenever we have the joy of speaking to each other, he informs me that I blame everyone for my problems (which might as well be him looking in a mirror), 30 felony charges and no ones fault, he was "framed"....right. Anyways, I don't know where he gets this "You blame everyone" deal. I don't blame him for anything. Drunkenly, which is the only time we talk (he won't speak to me sober, I don't think he has the gumption), I might give that impression, but I don't blame he. I just can't have him around me. I have enough problems in my life without him blowing into town with a bag of coke and hooker money. I can't really describe how he makes me feel or put it into words. When we talk, the next day are filled with text messages about "you need Jesus", "You are evil", "You need to be institutionalized". Do you know what that makes me want to do? It makes me want to put a shotgun in my mouth. I recently told him (drunkenly) that I wanted to kill him. Which if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to kill him, I won't cry when he dies, but I don't want to kill him. Interaction with him, makes me want to kill myself. Over the past 20 years, anytime him and I have had a problem, it's "your mother told you to say that" or something of that nature. I have no brain or intelligence when it comes to him. Neither do you, neither do your friends, if you disagree with him. Maybe I do blame him, because I can. I needed a father growing up. Not having one, would've been better than this loser who blows through town and tells you that he's about to be rich and everyone's dreams are about to come true. Do you know what that does to a kid. And then knowing that it will never happen, but still hearing it. It's a mind fuck, and that's what he likes best; fucking with your head. Because god knows his head is fucked enough. *deep breath. Ok. Empty promises do a lot more to kids than not deliver. They drain kids. It affects their trust for life. And like my Mother always said "Oliver will give anyone a second chance". I've always wanted to prove her wrong. Like it's a bad thing. Man, I don't know why it's like that. I always want to believe people and forgive them. But on the other side I want to denounce them and strip them of their title as friend, family, etc. Here's what I've come to know about my relationship with my father; I will never have a relationship with him, because he's incapable of thinking of anyone other than himself. And I'm sure a lot of that comes from years of drug use and general wear and tear on his desperate soul. I forgive him. But I can't have him. I never could. I never could but I always, always wanted it, and that's where most of my hurt from him comes from. I can't have a Father. For me there's a lot of peace in saying that. Admitting that that's just not something that was in the cards for me. I have the best Mother money can buy. I have phenomenal friends, I have a good enough apartment and job that hasn't made me (all the way) crazy yet. It truly is time for me to count my blessings and "sack up" in the grown up department, in that respect. My Sister wants to have a relationship with him, so she can have a relationship with the two children my father has had with his girlfriend (btw I think they still live with her mom. I'm sure there's someone to blame for that too). But I hope that her and I can have the relationship that we've had. For being born two years apart, we more like twins than those stupid "real" twins.

Hopefully this week, the horrible medication I've been taking flushes out, everyone has some sort of cosmic miracle in their life (mine is that Tuesday is supposed to be like 76 degrees), and we remember the ones we love, and how much we would miss their beautiful faces if they were gone.

Movies of the weekend!

So, I had little to do this weekend, and no money to really do anything. So what did I do? I watched an assload of movies.

First up:

This kind of scared the shit out of me. I'm already paranoid about everything. Very good. Very scary.

Matt Damon ain't no pussy and is a great actor. There, I said it!













Next up:

I really love this movie. I can watch it all day, every day. Makes me feel happy.















Next up:

This movie is really easy to fall in love with. Awesome cast. Owen Wilson is kind of a "one trick pony", but he did a great job in this one. Rachel McAdams is never hard to look at. Michael Sheen plays a really great douche (I think it's probably natural). Hanging out with Scott Fitzgerald and Earnest Hemingway? Awesome. Oh, also! Marion Cotillard is my new next wife.











Next up:

Nicholas Cage in a pretty good movie? Yes, it is still possible, and I'm not talking about Ghost Rider: Revenge of my career, or whatever it's called. This was Nicholas Cage doing what he does best; Gritty, Weird, almost painful to watch because he acted the shit out of this movie. Definitely worth a watch.


(.99 iTunes indie flick)









Next up:

This was a movie I remembered hearing about a few years ago or whenever Bobcat Goldthwait was making the rounds during it's release. A girl blew her dog when she was 18. Think of the stress and anxiety that kind of secret would give you as you are trying to have a serious relationship with someone who wants to know your every deep dark secret. Now, why did she blow the dog?  Who the fuck knows. But her parents were pretty "not living on the same level as everyone else" weird types. Mom's religious. Dad's real strict. I guess that could make you rebel by being "dog's best friend".

Worth a watch. (.99 iTunes indie flick)






Next up:

Not really my cup of tea. However I'm not sure who's cup of tea this could be. It's a movie about a deranged kid who beats and re-kills and screws some supernatural dead chick, who's been bound to a table in some abandoned mental hospital. The whole movie was pretty much a "let's see what we can get away with" type. Not very good. I was hoping for more of a horror movie, this was not it.











Next up:

Whoa. 30 minutes of WTF is going on. Super good. Brendan Gleeson is one of my favorite actors on the planet. I want to see everything he's ever done. Worth a watch and then some.













Lastly:

I tried getting into it. I just can't. I am 'American The Office' all the way through, apparently.












In other news....well...there really isn't any. PEACE!

I could think of 2012 reasons why you should read this.

I could also think of a million more why I don't care if you do. Kidding. I love you.

Okay, I have no "real" resolution to see to this year. Trust me, if there was just one thing I could think of to make myself a better person I wouldn't even worry about it. Instead I want to live my life with as much good intent as possible. If I do that, then there really isn't any reason to have a resolution. I want to make each day count for something. I'm already in the process of making myself healthier than before. Mentally, anyways. Trying to figure out my medication and reflecting daily on my moods and decisions is a big part of my life right now. Of course I would like to be healthier and plan to do so. But I'm not going to stress out about it.

Mostly, I want to be responsible. This is difficult for me. I wasn't exactly handed the instruction manual on how to be a normal, responsible member of society. A big one for me just recently was on January 2nd, 2012, I had to take my dog to the vet. I had planned on doing this in two weeks, when I had the money, but she was itching and itching and itching and just miserable. She's always had skin allergies but this was getting ridiculously bad. I had to think to myself 'If I had a kid could I wait 2 weeks when they are sick?' ABSOLUTELY NOT! So I called a few vets and got her in to see one that day. No worms, no heart worms,  no crap that dogs normally get. So I was really, really happy, and blessed. She got all her shots and she's on heart worm and flea preventative now, she got new food which will hopefully help with her allergies. We'll see. But she is my kid, and I have to buck up and be responsible. For someone who's only had a dog for about 4 months, I feel like I'm getting a hang on having someone to be responsible for. I couldn't imagine life without her and I can tell how much she loves me and I love her soooo much.

I've also been reading more (more means I'm actually reading). Right now I'm trying to finish a book called 'The Art of Racing In The Rain'. It's a fantastic book, written from the perspective of a dog. If I needed another reason to be sensitive to animals, this book would give it to me. After this one, I'll be reading the Steve Jobs biography. Than after that...I'm not sure. Probably an older book. Also, my dog loves it when I read to her. When I read to her, she just gets reeeeeally relaxed and her eyes start to roll back. It's awesome. I guess I'm going to be that guy who speaks of nothing other than his pet now.

In other news: Well...I can't really think of anything else to write about. Movies? Gosh I've seen so many movies. The one's that currently stick out are: The Devil's Rejects (I never thought it would've been so good). Drive (drive was so great, a friend of mine gave it to me for Christmas and I couldn't have been happier about it. I also couldn't be happier that my friends share the same level of homosexual love for Ryan Gosling). The Backwoods (I really didn't know what to expect from this, well, with a name like the backwoods, you have an idea. But it was so much better than what I thought. Spanish/British "horror"? I guess it's a horror). Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Highly entertaining, pretty funny, Tom Cruise is the shit!). Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil (must see horror/comedy, one of the funniest duos of all time IMO). There are plenty of others but I'm not doing a "this year in" thing. Those are just a few of the ones that I've seen or bought over the past weekend.

Oh and here's a snip-it from my youtube channel which I am going to make a major priority now. Feel free to subscribe. The whole "Blind Ghost" thing is a moniker that I came up with for recording purposes. Firstly, I would really like this name if I could ever get a band together. The name comes from me thinking about how horrible it would be to be a blind ghost. Think about it. You're already a ghost and you're fucking blind! Low blow. Sometimes, experiencing depression and depression related things, it feels a little like that. Can't be seen, can't find your own way out of wherever you are. I like it. It's understandable. It has purpose.

http://www.youtube.com/user/oghoskins/featured

Anyways, Have a fantastic year! Let's day by day this thing.