Muse-ic

Sup Bebolati?!

Most of the time when writing a song, I'll just pick up the guitar and try to form some sort of structure. Then I'll maybe hum, or sing some stuff, then I'll start thinking about what I want to write about. I'm not sure if there is any standard protocol for song writers. You hear so many different things. "Sometimes I think of a song title first" ~ Taylor Goldsmith. I think that's one of the coolest things about it. If there was just one way to write a song, I wouldn't be very interested.

In other news: I'm ready for the long weekend. I'm a little irritated with how broke I am. I wouldn't be broke at all if I hadn't had to pay my attorney his full fee. I'm tired of this. Yes, this one time there are extenuating circumstances that have made me broke, but in the past, it's been me. Just me, fucking myself over, time and time again. Last Winter I spent the entire season hold up in a bar, drinking myself out of depression, making myself very sick, and wanting to die and making myself very, very broke. I slept in my car, I could have (should have) lost my job, and stayed very depressed and very anxious.

Medicine seems to be helping a lot with the depression and anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I can let a thought spiral out of control and be in a real dark place real quick. But it's harder to do. I have a good home, a good family, a good dog, good friends, and a good future. Positive thinking has been a big help this past year.

HIV/AIDS. ok, so reading the above, you should understand that its succeeding topic is what drove me into a craze. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I (oh, I remember, a porn star got hiv, so for some reason I thought "Oh, God!! I've got HIV"!!!!) I worried myself sick about it. For several reasons. 1- guilt. I have broken up with my girlfriend that spring, and that spring I had sex with a friend of mine, then my ex and I got back together sort of. The thought (at the time) of HIV never crossed my mind. But when it did.....look out. 2- I'm a hypochondriac and highly paranoid about a lot. So when I get something stuck in my brain, it's hard to get it out. I ruled out the girls I've been with as targets. Then I started thinking "Is there some way I got black-out drunk and let a dude fuck me?". "That one night when dad was in town and he brought cocaine and we drank and did cocaine then went to midtown and he brought two girls home, and I went to bed...did one of those nasty bitches he brought home come in and fuck me  while I was asleep?"...... The most obvious answer to these questions is HELL NO. For one, I don't have gay fantasies. Two, I'm pretty sure a good butt fucking would wake me from whatever black out I may have been in. Plus, I don't think you go from totally straight to blackout ass drilling. I'm sure there's a few make-outs in there before you say "Take it all, Pablo!". And Three, I'm pretty sure that if I couldn't wake up with a chick on top of me, my dick wont be able to either. But those thoughts only popped in my head because I have to cover all bases when something freaks me out. This is not the first or the worst that it's ever been. I've had to talk myself off a ledge way too many times, and from an early age. The odds of getting HIV from a Woman are slim to none. That's a fact. And since I don't get butt plunged, I'm pretty good. But that didn't stop me from looking up every symptom, joining forums online, finding people that were just as fucking scared as me, and talking with them. Truth is, there are a lot of dudes out there that were or are as worried as me. I think it's because it's in our nature to protect Women, and when we think we might have given them the gift that never stops giving, the world shatters around us. To think that you could hurt someone that bad, it still makes me sick to my stomach.

Anyways, if anyone reads this, I hope you get a laugh, I hope you also understand the danger of the brain of a man. I always capitalize Women, and not men. I think that sums up how I feel about life in general. Women are so much better than men. Women make men so much better. I keep falling in love with the same idea of the Woman I'll spend the rest of my life. My life has been filled with strong Women and I know I'll end up with one. I've met a superior Woman. But you can't make someone love you. Good things come to those who wait. I really derailed on this blog post.

Enjoy,

Oliver.

Post script: All of my friends have had to deal with my fear of HIV. I couldn't stop talking about it. This is the last I'll ever bring up the subject. LOL